Day 62 - A Year of Spiritual Awakening - Heart of Pain

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Lesson 62: Some of you have been through...

Today is again on the topic of pain in our heart’s passage. Some of us have been through pain and safeguarded ourselves, locked our hearts away or haven’t been open our hearts back up again. Some of us have gone through some pain, allowed it to pass through, dealt with the emotions and feelings and are now on the other side. No matter where we are at, it’s exactly where we need to be right now and the only way up from here is to expand our opening.

Today’s exercise is recalling an experience in which pain moved through our hearts and to remember what we learned. If we are ready to begin this passage of opening, we can ask to do so now. Ask whoever or whatever you believe in to give you the strength and power you know you have within yourself to be open.

The memory I want to recall here is my only massive relationship which lasted almost 10 years on and off. The pain from that relationship was a mixed bag of emotions as you can imagine. Even though it was hard to let go of something familiar, there came a time when it didn’t feel right anymore. Lots of why’s get thrown around – why isn’t this going anywhere? why can’t I be accepted for who I am? why did I let this go on for so long? Etc etc. There were too many to list but you get the gist. Anyway, I think I really ignored some of the pain so I could just get on with life. It was a very weird situation, the day after I felt better because usually when I sleep on a problem, it’s not so bad or non-existent by the next day. I thought this odd for such a long relationship being over.

I think the pain started unravelling in ways that I didn’t realise. I don’t think I valued myself and my behaviour was questionable. I think anger started brewing in amongst the pain and I didn’t want to be alone. So, I drank a lot of alcohol. At a point, there was a wake-up call and I got professional help. I think what this psychologist really did for me was make me aware. Greatest gift I could receive. When I started being more aware, it made me deal with my feelings and really looked at what I wanted in life and partner. Even though I was aware, I wasn’t necessarily open to love again. I really closed off, because I had lovers where I exposed myself, and I was left a fool. I think when you make an effort and are rejected, it’s hard to remain positive. I’ve spent quite some time working on myself and living a good life for me, and I actually feel readier than ever to love again. I feel like the pain is finally passing.