Day 62 - A Year of Spiritual Awakening - Heart of Pain

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Lesson 62: Some of you have been through...

Today is again on the topic of pain in our heart’s passage. Some of us have been through pain and safeguarded ourselves, locked our hearts away or haven’t been open our hearts back up again. Some of us have gone through some pain, allowed it to pass through, dealt with the emotions and feelings and are now on the other side. No matter where we are at, it’s exactly where we need to be right now and the only way up from here is to expand our opening.

Today’s exercise is recalling an experience in which pain moved through our hearts and to remember what we learned. If we are ready to begin this passage of opening, we can ask to do so now. Ask whoever or whatever you believe in to give you the strength and power you know you have within yourself to be open.

The memory I want to recall here is my only massive relationship which lasted almost 10 years on and off. The pain from that relationship was a mixed bag of emotions as you can imagine. Even though it was hard to let go of something familiar, there came a time when it didn’t feel right anymore. Lots of why’s get thrown around – why isn’t this going anywhere? why can’t I be accepted for who I am? why did I let this go on for so long? Etc etc. There were too many to list but you get the gist. Anyway, I think I really ignored some of the pain so I could just get on with life. It was a very weird situation, the day after I felt better because usually when I sleep on a problem, it’s not so bad or non-existent by the next day. I thought this odd for such a long relationship being over.

I think the pain started unravelling in ways that I didn’t realise. I don’t think I valued myself and my behaviour was questionable. I think anger started brewing in amongst the pain and I didn’t want to be alone. So, I drank a lot of alcohol. At a point, there was a wake-up call and I got professional help. I think what this psychologist really did for me was make me aware. Greatest gift I could receive. When I started being more aware, it made me deal with my feelings and really looked at what I wanted in life and partner. Even though I was aware, I wasn’t necessarily open to love again. I really closed off, because I had lovers where I exposed myself, and I was left a fool. I think when you make an effort and are rejected, it’s hard to remain positive. I’ve spent quite some time working on myself and living a good life for me, and I actually feel readier than ever to love again. I feel like the pain is finally passing.

Day 62 - A Year to Clear - Surrender

Photo by Will Li on Unsplash

Lesson 62 - Surrender

“Very little grows on jagged rock.

Be ground. Be crumbled,

so wildflowers will come up

where you are.

You have been stony for too many years.

Try something different.

Surrender.”

— Rumi

Today's lesson is all about reading this quote and gaining some inspiration.

I think for me, I really like  to analyse and break things down, which kind of defeats the purpose considering the quote. From my understanding, I take this quote as getting out of your comfort zone to try something new. If we surrender to what the Universe gives us, then it's meant to be exactly the way it is. I know the Universe doesn't give us too much that we can't handle. But this quote can be so much more on an emotional level. We've built ourselves up, based on our experiences, whether we've built a wall to protect ourselves, or we've just completely closed off on some matters, we've lived a certain way and react to certain situations based on our reality. Even if you haven't done this, maybe you've been taught/conditioned to think a particular way on topics, classed some subjects as taboo or have clear reactions to fixed situations. We've grown accustomed to living a conclusive way, wouldn't you say? This is totally fine because it's just our nature to protect ourselves or it's just the lives we live based on our environment, though in doing so, it doesn't allow us to be completely open. It's about being more open, allowing some different experiences to flow through and learning a different way of living by being more exposed.

That's just my two cents. What are your thoughts?

Day 61 - A Year of Spiritual Awakening - If You Seek Consciousness

Photo by Math on Unsplash

Lesson 61: If you seek consciousness...

Like yesterday, the theme of pain through one of our heart’s passages is the topic of discussion. Obviously pain is not an easy passage to experience. By being aware of it, it allows us to understand it, grow from it and develop as human beings. Pain to me is unavoidable but going through the motions of it builds us to be stronger individuals. I find that it’s just part of our human experience, whether we like it or not. Even if it is uncomfortable, which it’s most likely, we really start to mature from the understanding it can bring.

The question posed today is have you ever felt pain in your life and if the answer is yes, have you allowed the pain to go through or are you still holding onto it? Today is all about imagining yourself moving through the pain and being free of it. If you’d like this, it’s very much a question of are you ready?

When I imagine myself free of any pain or worry, I can picture myself very smiley and a greater pleasure to be around. Not saying that I’m not a good pleasure to be around now, it’s just that I look very carefree, lighter, brighter, fun and free. When I picture myself at that stage, it’s a most enjoyable time. I think like anyone, we have our reasons to hold onto pain and worry, which then shapes our reality and also how we deal with certain emotions and feelings. I can say I am working through my pain slowly. I know it’s due for release and I am very much aware of what I need to work on.

Spirit has been dropping in those buried memories that have really upset me in the past but I never dealt with at the time. I didn’t actually know how to deal with it and at times, I really let those upsetting things consume me and frame my mind. It’s only when I’ve become more self-aware that I’ve really looked at the painful memories with a different perspective. There is no need to suffer if you don’t want to. It’s about you working towards steps that will allow you to overcome them.

I don’t think all my releasing efforts is going to happen overnight. Every journey has its pace and I’m working at mine.  

Day 61 - A Year to Clear - The Highest Form of Intelligence

Photo by William Bout on Unsplash

Lesson 61: The Highest Form of Intelligence

“The ability to observe without evaluation is the highest form of intelligence.”

— Jiddu Krishnamurti

In the context of this course by Stephanie Bennett Vogt, that quote relates to clearing.

Honestly, it took me a few attempts to read that sentence only because I feel a comma is needed in it. Besides this minor detail, it’s a valuable life lesson. Just observe and absorb, but don’t judge – this is how I read the sentence. We shouldn’t judge ourselves nor should we judge others as a general rule of life. In the context of clearing, it’s more about being aware, observing any sensations arise, let those sensations be and not to judge yourself when those sensations and feelings start to manifest. Taking a moment to really observe those sensations and feelings is the key. Yes, it may feel overwhelming at first, and that’s a chance to just take a break from it. It’s a gradual clearing process and not a “race” as Stephanie repeatedly teaches. It’s not about the end goal per se, it’s more about how we can control feelings in the process, until we get to a point where it’s not overwhelming anymore. Clear your physical and mental space in your own time. Only you have the power over the management of your feelings and observations towards clearing.

Day 60 - A Year to Spiritual Awakening - In The Heart of Pain

Photo by Cathal Mac an Bheatha on Unsplash

Lesson 60: In the heart of pain...

Today’s lesson is about the first passage of the heart – pain. We all experience pain in one form or another. When we are awake to our own pain and that of others, this is said to be the first step to “opening, awakening and becoming a conscious being”. The question is posed, would you rather remain stuck in pain that currently resides in your reality or would you rather face it? It’s really a choice that is up to us. We have the power of choice.

I must admit, as a teenager and a young woman in her twenties, I really remained stuck in my pain. I thought there was hope in the love of the partner that I had, but I really just pushed the pain down and never dealt with it. There was so much pain that started from a young age, expanded as a teenager and then really was ignored in my twenties. I also found a lot of the pain in my twenties was also amplified during and after that relationship. It wasn’t a good time. I had mental and emotional abuse of a father and then a relationship where my partner moulded me into someone I wasn’t, in which I lost myself along the way. In this relationship, I never had any confidence either, which I believe a relationship should do. Then from there, I’ve had some unfortunate events that just compounded a jaded view of some bad luck following me.

I think for me, I tried to live more positively but how long could I put a face on without really dealing with my issues? I realise now that I’m in my thirties, that all that pain doesn’t do much for you if you just wallow in it. Really holding onto those emotions has a flow on effect into your life, which doesn’t do you any good. It’s why I’m doing this course and my clearing course, because I find once I release everything, and I really do mean EVERYTHING, there will be so much of a weight lifted.