Day 17 - A Year of Spiritual Awakening - Regrets

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Lesson 17: You may have regrets in your life...

Today’s lesson is to focus on past regrets and that this is all part of our soul growth. I truly believe that there may be bad decisions we’ve made but there is always a lesson to be gained from that experience. Sure, it might not make sense at the time, but later on when you can truly reflect, that’s when you can really develop and grow as an individual. You can start seeing from an observer’s perspective and take another stance on your actions.

In the exercise, I am to think of a past regret, holding that in my mind and considering if it’s still a regret. Am I able to love the person I was at the time and do I love the person I am now since that occurrence?

My immediate thought went to me in my twenties. I was with my ex-boyfriend and would succumb to everything he said. He really controlled me but I didn’t realise it at the time. I had dreams of travelling the world because that’s what I wanted to experience in life – other cultures, seeing how others lived, having adventures. My ex however had no interest in travelling, in fact he didn’t really like socialising, and if he did, it would only be with people he liked, and he didn’t like doing much but play computer games, staying indoors watching TV and movies. What I did allow him to do was manipulate me so that my dreams didn’t seem achievable at all – not just in travelling but with everything. A real dream crusher. What I regret is not standing up for myself and really having confidence to do what I wanted. I was so eager to please him, it was sickening. I regret not even engaging in my dreams and became a puppet. It’s something I now recognise, learned from and won’t let happen again.

Am I able to love that person I was at the time? I don’t think I loved myself at all to be honest. I don’t even know who I was back then. Do I love the person I have become since? Yes, I do. I have learned to really accept myself over the years of being single. Really focusing on myself has been the greatest thing I could ever do for myself. I think if I had jumped into another relationship, I wouldn’t have been able to have learned what I have now. I still continue to love the person I’m developing into. Every day I am learning and surprising myself at the person I am. I can only see myself elevating to new heights from here and it’s exciting.

Day 16 - A Year of Spiritual Awakening - There is always light...

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Lesson 16: There is always light...

“Lesson 16: There is always light, and there is always dark. As a human being, there is never a time these two do not coexist, commingle, in your life. Both aspects create a whole; this is integration.”

— Sara Wiseman

Today’s lesson is targeted at those that do not believe in the existence of light and dark. The exercise involves reading the lesson, pondering on it and consider how your life would change if you believed in your own “divine imperfection” and “divine perfection”. I can tell you about how my life changed when I starting seeing this in my life.

I feel like I’ll be repeating myself but it’s how I changed to see something bigger than me. I was at my lowest point in my life last year after my abortion, crying on a beach in Maldives, asking the universe “What is the point in life? Prove to me there is something bigger than me?” etc and I was so angry and empty. That was by far the darkest point for me and it also continued to plague after that trip. The universe responded to me in the most beautiful way, sending two angel fish to swim around me, and to me I got my answer and got told! It was so beautiful that I cried some more, vowed to make changes in my life because through my darkness there was light. Maybe I had to go through tragedy and sink that low to be shown. Some might say it is coincidence. I say, I needed hope when I felt despair, but that hope is never lost.

It was through that experience where I was exposed to the imbalances we experience in life, and when you feel like you’ve really lost, or have a sense of generally feeling lost, the universe surprises you with a gift of light. I was shown perfection in life through my own imperfection. That’s where my outlook really changed. I have more tolerance for others even when they are untoward, I try to come from a place of understanding when we all have differences in opinions and values and if I disperse an outward position of love that’ll help spread when others feel down in the dumps. We can all make changes in our life by accepting this one concept of light and dark – by not staying in too much of one or the other, and accepting that both exist in all situations, life, nature and in our selves. It's like the force that binds us all together. Totally channeling Star Wars there but it is truth!

Day 16 - A Year to Clear - A-Wear

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Lesson 16: A-Wear

Today’s lesson has us thinking about what we are wearing (including underwear), raise your hand if it’s an outfit we don’t really love or feel uncomfortable in, and then to note down our thoughts.

Right now I’m wearing an outfit that I didn’t want to think about because it’s for work. I don’t really feel that great in it because I just put anything on that is sensible for work purposes. I don’t really care what I look like and don’t care for anyone else’s opinion on it either. Could I look better? Sure. Could I make more of an effort? Sure. Do I want to? Not really. I’ve even stopped wearing make-up just because I can’t be bothered really. I mean if I exercised more and toned up some areas, I think I could look better but for whose standards really?

After noting down my thoughts, I am supposed to acknowledge my feelings whether they are guilt, shame, embarassment etc and think about the possibility to have those feelings simply arise and do nothing to fix it or manage it. I suppose if I cared more about my appearance, this exercise would have been good to learn from. At the moment, I don’t do anything to fix or manage my feelings towards my outward appearance and I don’t think anyone should. My mother always taught me to look presentable and that’s what I do but I don’t go out of my way judging myself with every outfit I put on. I try a bit harder for special occasions but I have accepted myself the way I am so don’t squirm when I look upon myself.

Day 15 - A Year of Spiritual Awakening - Sin

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Lesson 15: Sin is a cultural misbelief...

“Lesson 15: Sin is a cultural misbelief. The concept of being punished for sins is not required by you. Morality is cultural construct; it is not universal law.”

— Sara Wiseman

I don’t believe in sin. I believe we can make mistakes and learn from them but I can’t say I believe in sin like I did when I was a Catholic. I don’t necessarily think all bad decisions and acts should be punishable. I think when people are out to hurt others, then those kinds of acts should have some form of justice. I believe that in this world there is light and dark. You can’t have one without the other – that’s the reality of it. There will always be a balance between the two. But to say, I sin and you sin, is some construct that I do not believe in anymore. Who is to judge this “sin”? I don’t believe in one God, so who does this job fall to? If I am to be punished for some bad choices I made, that may be considered sinful by others, what does that make me? I think what makes us human is learning to be good and overcoming the bad aspects, characteristics, habits and choices of oneself.

Today’s exercise involves writing down my sins and to ask myself if they are sins or just part of the human condition. I can’t even think of what is a “sin” to warrant making a list. If I’m to list some mistakes and bad decisions, I can do that, and can already answer the question that I believe that they aren’t sins, and are actually part of being human. I mean I have “Our flaws are what make us perfect” tattooed on my arm which pretty much sums up how I feel about everyone – we aren’t our unique selves without flaws and that makes us beautiful at the same time.

Things I tackled in the past year which may be considered bad characteristics and choices:

·         Had an abortion against my own values. The reality of that situation was that I was going to have to raise a child on my own, but more so, go through pregnancy on my own. I woke up one day, realising I just couldn’t do 9 months of pregnancy by myself, and made a decision that I had to, but didn’t want to at the same time.

·         Sometimes I lose focus at work and don’t do as much as I should.

·         I don’t call my mother often but that’s more so that I have not much to say about my life.

·         I get lazy sometimes, don’t do anything productive with my time and regret it later.

·         My choices have an environmental impact but that’s something I’m more conscious of and trying to change.

·         I drink heavily sometimes with friends and waste my time away.

That’s really all I’ve got. A lot of my 2017 was being more aware of the person I want to be. So anything considered “sinful” is something that I am currently eradicating from my life as I’m trying to be more tolerant and open. I feel like I've already transcended this particular lesson in that I don't believe in sin. To me, sin lies with some old religious belief systems that were imposed on people but doesn't really fit with this modern world. I ask the question: who doesn’t make bad decisions and not learn from them?

Day 15 - A Year to Clear - Cultivating Awareness

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Lesson 15: Three Rs of Clearing

“Clearing raises awareness. Clearing releases attachments. Clearing reveals a spacious part that has been there all along.”

— Stephanie Bennett Vogt

A new week equals a new theme. This week I am exposed to “Cultivating Awareness” accompanied with the 3 Rs of Clearing. So I’ve gone through “Departing” and “Inviting Awareness” from Week 1 and 2 and now I’m going to expand my growing awareness.

There isn’t so much a lesson this week as there is more of an introduction to the thought of “Cultivating Awareness”. If we’re relating it back to the 3 Rs, then I see myself already raising my awareness and by cultivating it means I will slowly begin to release my own attachment to things. I believe from previous lessons the idea of being an observer is heavily important in clearing. So detaching myself from any given situation and not making it a personal overwhelm is how I will conquer my tasks. I think remembering to be the observer/witness is going to be my challenge. If I continue to just do some breath work, ask myself the question of how to combat said problem and then action bit by bit, it’ll become natural in time. Slow growth for ongoing lifetime results – sounds good to me!