Day 50 - A Year to Clear - What's Your Story?

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Lesson 50: What's Your Story?

““The human mind: It’s the best drama machine around. It’s portable. It runs day and night, even, and especially, when we’re not aware of it or paying attention. It is infinitely expandable and requires only imagination to operate. It cranks out some of the best stories around. Just feed it a few tidbits of hearsay, half-truths, some emotional charge, some childhood memories (the more traumatic, the better), and voila, you’re cooking, baby — with fire!” —Your Spacious Self”

— Stephanie Bennett Vogt

Today We have a new week and a new theme – “Releasing Old Stories”. Stephanie has us thinking about what stories we are telling today and to remind us that we are not our stories.

Today there was me spouting how much I hated the placed I worked at. Honestly, I dislike being this person. I dislike not having control of my environment and being forced into something that I don’t like. The problem with work is that we have been undergoing a restructure. From late November to who knows when, this restructure is to take place. It means I cannot take on new projects, cannot take on new processes, and basically need to phase out what I’m doing until we get a new manager, and my counter parts in other states have been employed. So, here I am, in limbo struggling to go to work every day, because I don’t have direction nor a purpose. For someone who strives in structure, this is a major struggle for me day in and day out. It is absolutely draining mentally and therefore takes some toll on my body.

Every day I will do what I enjoy after work but I feel that it’s not enough. If work takes up the majority of your day and that’s miserable, then I need to rest to get over the draining day, it’s actually consuming more of my time that I’d like. You’re probably thinking “find another job” “talk to someone to make a change” – but don’t think for one second that I haven’t considered my options. I am stuck. I can’t seem to find jobs outside of the company for my skill set at a decent wage nor can I see jobs advertised within the company that I think I can do.

This is the story I am currently spinning with everyone. It’s annoying because it’s not the person I want to be and I know that it’s definitely not my story. I want so badly for some update on my future but it’s in the hand of others until they communicate it or get their act together. Personally, it’s a drag and I want out of it. This is not the person I truly want to reflect at work and outside.

Day 49 - A Year of Spiritual Awakening - Some People Armour Up

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Lesson 49: Some people armour up...

Today’s lesson focuses on our heart’s armour. Some of us tend to put an armour around out heart because it’s a misconception that we need to protect ourselves. If we live with more of an open heart, the more transcendent we can be. I am to think of my preferred method of heart’s armour and if I believe I completely open. If I think I am completely open, to look again.

I believe my heart’s armour is my self-doubt. I tend to not fully believe I’m capable, or that what I’m doing is wrong, because I’m a perfectionist when it comes to any task. If I don’t conquer something, then I’m some form of failure. I also do realise that this is a very pressured existence and I think I’m slowly learning to let go of things and let things be. I am letting the universe just guide me to where I need to go and can say quite honestly that I am not as armoured as I used to be.

I think I also tend to hide behind “I’m just working on myself”. Yes, it’s good to work on yourself for some self-improvement or self-care, but how long do you really want to leave yourself closed to other people, because you’re working on yourself. I think I have used this as an excuse that prevents me from finding a partner. I definitely think I needed it at one point or another, though it prevented me in being open to the possibility. There may have been missed opportunities that I didn’t even realise.

And finally, I think I really closed off after I had my abortion. I know I fear getting pregnant again without having the support of a partner. Coupled with those feelings was the constant let down of past lovers. I feel as though people run scared from something real, almost like they think they don’t deserve to be loved. I offer my love because no one’s baggage is too much for me. I know I can take on another’s baggage as well as love them. For some reason, showing this has been my downfall and I don’t want to continue to give my all if it’s not going to be received. I guess my armour in this is that I don’t want to reveal so much if I’m just going to be disappointed. It’s a tough dating world out there and I want someone to understand me. It’s kind of a catch 22, if I’m not open I won’t meet someone, but if I reveal too much, somehow people can’t handle me.

I want to live more openly. I think a lot of the time I do, though I sometimes close off from the world when I lose a little bit of hope in others, I don’t understand why people do what they do, or I’ve had a bad day and everyone’s energy is off causing me to be a little off. Maybe that’s the point, be open to all, the good and the bad, so that a natural flow will occur without you blocking it.

Day 49 - A Year to Clear - Check In WEEK 7 - Going Slow to Go Fast

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Lesson 49: Check In WEEK 7 - Going Slow to Go Fast

End of another week. I've always found lists to be helpful in tackling life tasks, but never thought to make a sub-list to that list. I have liked the lesson of really breaking it down and taking your time to action each task. How many actions will it take for you to clear one task, but also taking time with those actions.

Being able to break it down will also trigger less stressful responses. I like having reassurance that it's okay to action clearing tasks, or any tasks for that matter, in your own time. You shouldn't let yourself be guided by other people's standards and take the time you need to clear. 

Day 48 - A Year of Spiritual Awakening - Opening Your Heart

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Lesson 48: Do you think opening your heart...

Saturday’s lesson has us opening our heart just a little more.  We are to close our eyes and imagine the divine light come in. imagine your chest being opened, and light flowing into you, into each layer, to all your extremities and feel what happens to your body. It may feel overwhelming and new but at the same time, there may be an extreme relief.

I love this type of exercise as I usually do it every now and then. I imagine the divine light above me always shining down. I imagine my chakras being opened whilst the light flows in and out of my body. It’s like a cleanse. I imagined this time my chest fully open and allowed the light to come in. I imagined this light reaching all parts of my body. It’s very healing and calming. Can really take your mind off things. I could feel a slight vibration flow over my arms and chest. I figured this was a reminder of the healing energy. I am trying to live open for a better self and I am open to receiving what comes.

I always feel good after meditation. There is less heaviness in my head and my body has a weight lifted. We can all live a little lighter by taking on meditation for some clarity, insight and healing.

Day 48 - A Year to Clear - To Do Or Not To Do

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Lesson 48: To Do Or Not To Do

Saturday’s lesson is not so much of a lesson but a reminder of this slow drip method. People often stop to wonder how to clear physical spaces but Stephanie reminds us that it’s a slow drip method taking on the “emotional stuckness and resisting patterns” in order to release. It’s more than just physical excess and it’s about the emotional reaction we get through our clearing processes.

I sometimes do get frustrated at this course but I find that it’s got such a great beneficial outcome. It helps with me to overcome overwhelm and manage it but also that stuck memories and habits come up for release. You don’t realise how much self-improvement you need until you’re actual faced with some confronting truths. Stephanie always mentions that it’s not a race - such a simple concept and yet difficult at the same time. I think in the environment I’m in, everything is very much a race. Everyone is competitive and always have something to prove. I don’t really feel like I care as much as people do in trying to be the best at work, or trying to show off that they have all these cool material items that I don’t have. I really don’t care about that anymore. I most certainly used to. I believe if we can stop caring so much about what others think, it makes for some really good self care.